


We Drifted to Survive, b̸u̶t̷ ̵i̸m̵ ̷d̷r̷o̸w̵n̴i̴n̷g̷

by i_like_your_shoelaces



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 17:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18319844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_like_your_shoelaces/pseuds/i_like_your_shoelaces
Summary: This is a wip I just didn’t want to get deleted you can ignore it





	We Drifted to Survive, b̸u̶t̷ ̵i̸m̵ ̷d̷r̷o̸w̵n̴i̴n̷g̷

 

"So that's it?" Lance yells, "He's just gone, again?"

 

Lance looked around, panic in his eyes as he helplessly looks for an answer.

 

From someone,  _anyone._

 

Keith left. Again. 

 

There was nothing they could do. 

 

This had all started when he left the first time. Shiro was sad, Pidge felt the loss too. Everyone was a mess, but Lance.

 

Lance was a wreck. Completely and utterly destroyed.

 

He blamed himself, about why Keith stepped down and walked away. Lance felt that Keith left so he wouldn't have to.

 

And now, Keith left again.

 

He came back after the fight, to come see if everyone was okay. Keith seemed shaken, but not hurt. And when everyone had turned their back, not only a few seconds later, he slipped away.

 

And here they were. Not bothering to look for him, they know where he went. 

 

Matt had been acting weird all night, squirming like there was something weighing him down. When someone finally asked, he spilled.

 

"Keith was going to run into the barrier if Lotor hadn't got there in time."

 

When Matt talked, Lance did too.

 

He chuckled to himself, already sounding sad. Lance started, almost like he was telling a story, "We were all in the same class at the Garrison, us kids. But Keith and I, we were like rivals, you know. Lance and Keith, neck and neck. And then Hunk and Pidge and I. We had just snuck into the cafeteria like teenagers and ended up in  _war._ When I followed Keith to save Shiro, I didn't know any of this was going to happen. I just went and did what was right because I had the luxury of safety to be able to help others. But now, all we do, every day, is protect others without a care for ourselves. The minute we flinch back is the day hundreds lose lives. We are expected to  _die._ To put our life on the line. I never wanted that. Call me selfish, whatever. I never wanted to die, I never wanted to have to choose between my life and others. I don't have the luxury of safety anymore. We all should."

 

No one could dare call him selfish.

 

They too felt that.

 

Even Allura and Coran. They lived in Altea, the epitome of peace. They didn't want to fight, they wanted to live.

 

Shiro too, he came in as a pilot and scientist. Not a fighter.

 

"I thought we were gonna be flying these cool air crafts and fighting one battle. I know we all were scrambling and just hoping to get through it to the end. But then our first battle was over and it didn't end. Maybe we were supposed to lose a battle but become the superheroes who come back and save the day. But then we kept losing. We won, then lost. We never, and still haven't, stopped. 24/7 or whatever the hours and quintants- whatever the _hell_ you call them here!"

 

His voice rang sharp and loud in the quiet ship. Everyone stared, no one dared to speak. Honestly, there wasn't much to say. Lance was right.

 

They never signed up for this at all. Not even the first battle. They signed up to be a pilot or an engineer. They wanted to explore space, not tear it apart and have to rebuild it.

 

They aren't trained for this. They aren't even trained too be pilots. They were  _freshman_ at the Garrison. The new kids who don't know where the classrooms are and annoy the upperclassmen. 

 

They aren't soldiers.

 

“We will never get that back. We will never have that chance to just be a kid. Never again." Lance's voice held no emotion at all. There wasn't anger or sadness anymore, he was just numb. Void of all feeling.

  

"He is 15 years old.  _Fifteen_. When I was fifteen I was snorting milkshakes because I was laughing too hard. He was about to _kill himself_   just a while ago. And yeah, I was fifteen nearly 7 months ago, but we've been here fighting for 7 months straight. Or at least, we think." Lance's voice broke and he had to take a minute to take a shaky breath in. 

 

Then he snapped. His voice was stripped and he was close to crying.

 

Lance talked and yelled and  _begged._

 

"Keith, my god. I knew it was scary how easily he fit here. It scares me to see after every battle how beat up he is, but the smile on his face ruins me. He doesn't have any part of him in his body saying that his life is just as important. Keith goes into every battle already dead. He goes in and saves others like he is bulletproof, but not fazed at all when he is hit. It's like he was born to die, or at least that's what he thinks. When we struggled with training and fighting, he had already succeeded. Because his whole life he had to fight everyday over everything." Lance babbled, taking in a breath before starting again.

 

"And not that we haven't struggled, I mean this literally. He told me when he was in foster care that he can't remember a day he didn't have bruises or cuts or scars. Foster parents would beat him to edge of life and leave him. Kids at school we're just  _assholes._ When was the last time someone put their hands on him that wasn't fueled by violence? God knows we're all afraid to scare him off so we don't. I doubt he's ever had a hug that he remembers."

 

Shiro couldn't watch anymore. He hung his head in shame and bit his lip to keep it from wavering.

 

Keith is his brother, not by blood or by contract, but still. That is his little brother who's annoying and stubborn but he's alive at least.

 

How much longer would he be, Shiro thought.

 

"I thought maybe I was getting somewhere. We got closer, maybe he would find a reason to live. For his friends, his family. That's us. But even that wasn't enough. The late night talks and group dinners and movie nights and training together. Every battle we would carry each other away from. Every time we would get ourselves into a mess and climb our way out."

 

Allura moved closer to Coran. He reached out to wrap an arm around her.

 

It was just like her father used to comfort her. She rested a head on his shoulder and they both tried to find solace in the fact that at least Keith was alive.

 

"Or even shitty things like when Shiro disappeared, we would talk late at night together. The small smiles he learned were okay to give. The laugh that took months for him to let out. When he and I would watch the stars and talk. Keith told me about his childhood, or lack thereof basically. He would tell me about his dad and even the little hippo plushie he still has. He was so guarded and I thought maybe I could help him see it is okay if he chooses to let a wall down. But now, I feel like it's too late. It almost was." Lance started out loud but slowly got quieter as he finished.

 

Hunk felt his heart begin to break hearing Lance's tone.

 

This is the same tone Lance takes when he's about to have a meltdown.

 

When he is about to go on and say anything that comes to mind until he can't speak at all. Until he is so broken that there aren't pieces to pick up. It's like he is shredded so far down that he is like sand that just falls through your fingers when you try to pick it up.

 

This is the same tone that Lance takes when he breaks down over homesickness, or the day his cousin died, or the day he got rejected from the fighter pilot class.

 

He stared at the floor before starting lowly again, "Then he left. He was gone. He pulled the rug right from underneath all of us. The day he parted ways with us and went with Kolivan was the day he signed away his life. Every battle he went on was a suicide mission he luckily survived. I thought maybe, just maybe, I had helped him realize all the reasons to live. But he still left. He put on that dark hood and walked away from everything. He walked away from me- us. He walked away from us."

 

Lance stumbled over the words. He blushed. Partly in shame over his spouting of words, partly in embarrassment of what he almost said.

 

It's not like they all didn't know anyways. He never really tried to hide his infatuation with the half-Galran boy. 

 

It developed some time after things started to get normal. When they woke up at ungodly hours by the alarm and weren't fazed. 

 

He had long since stopped with the joking-flirting with Allura. Now they were close friends and nothing more.

 

But he and Keith had gotten even closer. Every night they stayed together and talked and grew closer.

 

Close enough that Lance let himself grow a little crush on Keith.

 

It had started as a fun escape from the dangers of war, but then his crush grew to the point he couldn't just let it be.

 

And how dumb he was. 

 

How dumb, Lance thinks, that maybe Keith could've felt the same.

  
  
"Keith is _fifteen_. He probably never had his first kiss, never driven a car, had a drink. And he was going to throw away the little chance he had left to even breathe without thinking. And he is still a kid. Still young and has a future. He is fifteen and he was ready to kill himself to keep us all alive.” his voice broke at the end.

 

Lance was desperate, yelling and trying to get across the fright he felt. He was scared because of his words and the truth behind them.

 

"He sat in that Galra cruiser and was ready to barrel into a painful death just because it would help the mission. He watched his life flash before his eyes like a movie reel, all the great moments about to be gone. They would be frozen in his memory that would soon die. He stared death in the face- no. Matt said he had closed his eyes. He didn't even want to die. Maybe I made this all more painful. The fact that he was still about to  _kill himself_   for us was his reason to live. For us. But it wasn't enough for him to stay." Lance huffed out a laugh, it held no humor.

 

Pidge flinched at the cold tone.

 

Keith had been there for her. Whether he showed it or not.

 

When Pidge would whole herself up in her room and work for hours, Keith would bring food and water and sit on her bed. It was the smallest, but sweetest thing.

 

Lance turned to face Hunk and Pidge, “We’re supposed to be bushy tailed and bright eyed and thinking of college. We should be drinking way too much Starbucks and singing Beyoncé in the car. We should be stressing over finals and going to the next MARVEL movie."

 

"We should be star struck when we meet the person we fall in love with. We should be blushy and giggly and nervous as we walking in circles around each other. We should be scared but confidentially asking someone to homecoming with flowers that he’s allergic to and feeling dumb but happy when he says yes. We shouldn’t know what the hell we are doing while hiding by the food table at the dance and stuffing our face with cookies. We should be going on nervous first dates and an awkward kiss on the cheek when I walk him to his door. We should be going to class and not meeting each other’s eyes cause we’re so anxious but excited and experiencing our first love. What maybe could've been our forever love if we were lucky.”

 

Lance was hyperventilating now. He took a minute to breathe and catch his breath. He hiccuped and tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

 

The others stared with sympathy. Their hearts broke and Lance rambled on and on. Lance didn’t mean to make it about someone in particular. He tried to make it seem like they all would be doing this. He tried to speak for all their hopes and dreams.

 

But it was glaringly obvious as he talked more and more it was about him and one specific person. 

 

One person, who left a gaping hole in his heart and probably will never come back to fix it. 

 

Lance looked up, straight at Shiro. His eyes were so vulnerable, but set with resolve. Shiro had to stop himself from gasping when he saw the tears in the corners of his eyes.

 

Lance spoke, voice gruff and hard, "The next time he comes back he better stay. Or I’m not going to be there when he decides to pop in.”

 

Shiro stepped forward, saying, “Lance you don’t mean that-“

 

”Oh?” Lance laughed in that cold, menacing tone yet again, “I do. I’m fucking done.”

 

Everyone heard the underlying meaning in his words.

 

He was done having his heart broken.

 


End file.
